Feeling Cheated

For some reason, this continues to weigh heavy on my heart and I just cant let it go. What entitles someone to deserve something better than someone else? Why is it other do the same exact thing as you, yet they get so much more? Expecially when you really need it. I am sure at this point you are wondering what the heck she is talking about, but I am referring to my baby shower. And yes, I know to some people this may sound stupid to be upset about but I am. This feeling all started when we found out we were expecting Edison. It was like pulling teeth to see people excitement for us. We wanted to tell everyone and most peoples reactions were, "Don't you know what causes that?" Or, "Another baby?" WHAT????? We are married and I haven't had a child in over 7 years! WOW! So, as expected, when it came time for my baby shower I made list and my sister mailed out invitations. We got a few RSVP's but not many. I thought to myself that maybe people just don't really RSVP anymore. The morning of the shower, the text and calls started. I cant come, I cant make it, something has come up, I have to go to work... one after the other. My spirits were crushed.. not because I wanted free gifts, but going to someones shower, regardless of what for, means a lot and is a few caring way to show that you love that person and are interested in the things going on in their lives. So when the shower started, 4 people had decided to attend. And those 4 I was so very thankful for, but inside I was hurt, upset, mad, and most of all depressed. I thought, maybe no one really does care about us and us having a baby. About halfway through the shower, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I excused myself and went to my moms room and called Wayne. I cried and cried and told him to come get me. Him being the rock he is to me calmed me down and assured me I should stay. I put myself back together and we back to my party. I had cake and talked but just really wanted to leave. On one of my thousands of bathroom trips, I wiped and there was blood. I was bleeding. I was really freaking out. I called my sister in the restroom and she suggested I call L&D at my hospital to see if I should come in. I did.. I was 100% effaced and having random contractions. I was told to go home and rest, and most of all not stress out. YEAH RIGHT! I have never really told anyone my feelings except my husband because I didn't know how to say this. Yes, It really upset me that out of all of my friends and family that only 4 of them thought that coming to support my growing family was a priority. And, I guess the straw that broke the camels back.. So to speak, was when Edison was born. Do you know that the only people to come and see us when he was born was my mom, dad, sister, mother-in-law, and father-in-law???? No one else. Not a friend, not a co-worker, not a church family member, NO ONE ELSE! And shortly after he was born my mom and other family went to the lake with Eden and I was left without my Mom... the one person who I knew could help me after having a baby. She knew me and understood what I was going through just having a baby.. and she was gone for a week. Again, I still feel hurt by this and wonder why? And wonder why do other deserve more? I am not jealous.. just hurt by the fact that to some people, having a baby is wonderful and worth supporting, but to most.. its just a hassle and a burden. They feel, ugh more gifts and things like that. I find this really sad and I have made it a point to not be this way in my own personal life. When someone is getting married, or having a baby, or moving into a new home. I strive to go out of my way to make that a big deal and to shower them with love and gifts if at all possible. They deserve that and I feel I did too.

Life Changing Decisions

How can one conversations, one phone call, and one decision change so much? Well, it will and already has! :) Wayne and I still sometimes feel like we are kids living in this big old world. We more so feel this way when we have to make decisions that effect not only our lives, but others around us. It is kind-of a surreal feeling but such a fulfilling one at the same time. Example, when we decided to build our house. It was very very scary to think that someone would lend a couple of crazy in-love 20 somethings that much money. And then the thought that we would owe that much money to someone still sends chills down my spine, but, we need a roof over our heads right? :) I am not really sure if feeling this way will ever go away. When will I feel like the grown up I have been for several years? I love my life and have never felt regret for any decision that I have made. Even though some decisions do not fully make since or the complete path of that decision isn't clear yet, it is still extremely rewarding to me to come to a decision. Alright, now that I have said decision 2000 times in this blog post.. The End :)

What a difference a year can make....

This time last year I was anxiously waiting the arrival of our 2nd child and impatiently waiting to see his sweet face and to touch his tiny hand. I knew that he would eventually come, but in his own time and way. I tried to keep myself busy, to make the time pass. I really didn't have very much going on last March. I has stopped cleaning houses because my huge belly just got in the way and I was honestly too tired to do much at home either. So, I would sit in is room and dream or wash his clothes over and over. I loved the smell! Or, I would go walk around Wal-mart (alone, what a crazy thought now) and get little things we really didn't need, but I was over preparing myself for the unknown. I just felt like I needed to walk. I know that probably didn't do anything, but thats what all of the older, wiser ladies would tell me! I remember that I would check my hospital bag and Edisons diaper bag over and over. And repack it over and over. I was so worried that I would forget something. At that point, it was difficult to find things to wear. My belly has its own zip code and that meant my shirts were wayyyyyy to small. I often would wear Waynes shirts. I look back at that now and laugh because they are so big on me now. :) To be honest, I really didn't know what to think or how our lives were about to change, but I was so ready!

One year later our lives have gotten a little crazier, a little busier, but A LOT more fun! Edison is now almost a year old and the joy and love this child has brought me isn't fathomable. I often reminisce on how our lives were before Edison and think of the little things that were different but, I honestly can't vividly imagine our lives before. I know I got a lot more sleep, but hey.. who needs 8 hours when you can be awake seeing our two sweet faced children. I know I had a lot more free time but teaching Edison his ABC's and counting and colors are just adorable! I never ever knew that a year could go by so fast, but it has and I am a little sad about that. Don't get me wrong, I am happy some of the baby things are over with, but at the same time, I will miss them more than I know now.

So one year ago I was filled with hope, wonder, and baby and today that has been replaced with unconditional love, joy, and just a little more baby fat to loose! :)

Oh how I love mornings like this....

I have so much to do today, this Saturday morning, but I got up before everyone else and started laundry. Shortly after the kids and hubby got up and we hurriedly got Eden and Wayne ready for their upward basketball game. On a side note, Edison and I no longer go to those games because my son is a LOUD butt! :) But as I rushed them off I fixed Edison his morning bowl of whole wheat baby cereal with organic applesauce, his favorite. My mom usually feeds him this because we have to drop him off so early, so me being able to do this is such a treat. After he gobbles it down, he is always still in eating mode so I give him a "snack". Today he got organic apple juice with water and yogurt bites. I turned on NickJr for him to peak at and sat down for a second before starting another load of laundry. As I look over at Edison in his high chair carefully choosing his next bite and then sipping on his juice, I thought to myself, "Wow, he is a big boy. My son is growing up!" I remember just mere months ago how he would wake up and I would rock him as he drank his morning bottle with rice cereal. And now, I feed him his breakfast and he feeds himself part of it. I all of a sudden felt this overwhelming feeling of love for him and how I am so proud of him but, why? I cant quite figure out why so much pride is being felt right now but realize.. this is what being a parent is. This feeling right here. I love this. and I love being a parent more than God could have ever prepared me for. As you hear in many different ways, it truly does feel like your heart is living outside of your chest. And it just keeps beating and beating.. and growing and growing.

Ohh, I have to go... my heart is crying :)

Resolutions-2012

I have set several new years resolutions/goals for myself and feel documenting that will make me more motivated to stick with it! So.. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Get in shape - I have a little weight to loose but most of all I need to loose the flab and get some muscles in its place. I have a lot of toning to do from the baby still. So far, I haven't done so well, but I hope to get started soon.

2. Eat healthier/organic - I feel the things you eat directly affect your energy, health, and so many other things we can't comprehend. So, it is really important for me to eat less processed foods and more things that are fresh and organic. I also plan to start our spring garden when it gets warmer because there is nothing better than a home grown, vine ripe tomato from your own garden! :)

3. Become more organized - Having this organized and all in its place is an ongoing goal for me. I feel that it not only saves you time, but allows you to do more productive things with your time. I feel I am half way there with this. I just need to get more storage options and have the time to start space by space.

4. Document our life more - This is a hard one for me. But, I now have all of the resources to do so and am working hard at it. When Eden was little I didn't have a video camera and that really makes me deeply upset that I do not have ANY footage of her when she was born till about 2 years ago. But, all I can do it learn from that and make it such a priority to have our lives documented by video and pictures and blogging so that we and generations to come and go back and see how wonderful our sweet little life was!

5. Last but not least.. More time to myself - This is a hard one but a must! I realized earlier that I haven't really gotten to sit down to a meal and ENJOY what I eat rather than scarf it down before Edison starts crying or getting into something in about 6 months. I used to keep my nails and toenails manicured and painted but now I am lucky to if they are cut. Also, sadly... I really need to get more up-to-date on fashion because most of my clothes are WAY out of style and sadly again, do not fit. SO, I need to clean our my closet and slowly replace those items with new, more mom-like trendy things. That makes me excited. :)

I know these things are all easily done but with Wayne and I working so much its hard to get anything done when we are off because we just want to spend time with the kids. Or its so much easier to just do the convenient thing than take the time and cook or put things in their proper place. I am excited about 2012 and excited of the things God has in store for my family and I and the things he has to show and teach me.

Awesome Give-a-way!

If you know me, you know I love jewelry! Well.. a friend of mine is doing a give-a-way for a beautiful bracelet and if you click the title above it will take you to the video of how to enter and WIN! :)

Edison's 1st Birthday Party Planning: Cake

I have started doing lots and lots of thinking and planning for Edison's 1st birthday party! I have picked a theme: Elephant Fun. I have decided on the patterns for the party supplies: (Picture)

I have picked a date: March 10,2012 @ 2:00 p.m.

But as I started to try to plan his cake and a lot of red flags were thrown up for me. I haven't given Edison sugar really, at all yet. He mostly eats really healthy fruits and veggies but I sometimes sneak him a bite of something I am eating. So.. why would I all of a sudden jam him full of sugar on his first birthday with all the cake he can eat??? No! I started researching healthy/natural options for his birthday cake and found some really great options! Here are a few links below:

http://wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com/tipFirstBDay.htm
http://mamanatural.com/healthy-cupcakes-that-kids-love/

We plan on trying to do this just for Edison's cake and have regular cake for us! :)