Saturday, April 28, 2012

Feeling Cheated

For some reason, this continues to weigh heavy on my heart and I just cant let it go. What entitles someone to deserve something better than someone else? Why is it other do the same exact thing as you, yet they get so much more? Expecially when you really need it. I am sure at this point you are wondering what the heck she is talking about, but I am referring to my baby shower. And yes, I know to some people this may sound stupid to be upset about but I am. This feeling all started when we found out we were expecting Edison. It was like pulling teeth to see people excitement for us. We wanted to tell everyone and most peoples reactions were, "Don't you know what causes that?" Or, "Another baby?" WHAT????? We are married and I haven't had a child in over 7 years! WOW! So, as expected, when it came time for my baby shower I made list and my sister mailed out invitations. We got a few RSVP's but not many. I thought to myself that maybe people just don't really RSVP anymore. The morning of the shower, the text and calls started. I cant come, I cant make it, something has come up, I have to go to work... one after the other. My spirits were crushed.. not because I wanted free gifts, but going to someones shower, regardless of what for, means a lot and is a few caring way to show that you love that person and are interested in the things going on in their lives. So when the shower started, 4 people had decided to attend. And those 4 I was so very thankful for, but inside I was hurt, upset, mad, and most of all depressed. I thought, maybe no one really does care about us and us having a baby. About halfway through the shower, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I excused myself and went to my moms room and called Wayne. I cried and cried and told him to come get me. Him being the rock he is to me calmed me down and assured me I should stay. I put myself back together and we back to my party. I had cake and talked but just really wanted to leave. On one of my thousands of bathroom trips, I wiped and there was blood. I was bleeding. I was really freaking out. I called my sister in the restroom and she suggested I call L&D at my hospital to see if I should come in. I did.. I was 100% effaced and having random contractions. I was told to go home and rest, and most of all not stress out. YEAH RIGHT! I have never really told anyone my feelings except my husband because I didn't know how to say this. Yes, It really upset me that out of all of my friends and family that only 4 of them thought that coming to support my growing family was a priority. And, I guess the straw that broke the camels back.. So to speak, was when Edison was born. Do you know that the only people to come and see us when he was born was my mom, dad, sister, mother-in-law, and father-in-law???? No one else. Not a friend, not a co-worker, not a church family member, NO ONE ELSE! And shortly after he was born my mom and other family went to the lake with Eden and I was left without my Mom... the one person who I knew could help me after having a baby. She knew me and understood what I was going through just having a baby.. and she was gone for a week. Again, I still feel hurt by this and wonder why? And wonder why do other deserve more? I am not jealous.. just hurt by the fact that to some people, having a baby is wonderful and worth supporting, but to most.. its just a hassle and a burden. They feel, ugh more gifts and things like that. I find this really sad and I have made it a point to not be this way in my own personal life. When someone is getting married, or having a baby, or moving into a new home. I strive to go out of my way to make that a big deal and to shower them with love and gifts if at all possible. They deserve that and I feel I did too.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life Changing Decisions

How can one conversations, one phone call, and one decision change so much? Well, it will and already has! :) Wayne and I still sometimes feel like we are kids living in this big old world. We more so feel this way when we have to make decisions that effect not only our lives, but others around us. It is kind-of a surreal feeling but such a fulfilling one at the same time. Example, when we decided to build our house. It was very very scary to think that someone would lend a couple of crazy in-love 20 somethings that much money. And then the thought that we would owe that much money to someone still sends chills down my spine, but, we need a roof over our heads right? :) I am not really sure if feeling this way will ever go away. When will I feel like the grown up I have been for several years? I love my life and have never felt regret for any decision that I have made. Even though some decisions do not fully make since or the complete path of that decision isn't clear yet, it is still extremely rewarding to me to come to a decision. Alright, now that I have said decision 2000 times in this blog post.. The End :)